You might be just a bit too close to your product to see it the way your customers see it. And that means you might actually be blind to your product’s BIGGEST benefit!
You’ve probably seen this problem on other people’s sales letters. You start reading a sales letter. It’s kind of boring. Actually, the product seems kind of mediocre. The benefits are ok, but nothing to write home about.
Then you find this amazing benefit, hidden deep inside the letter. You buy the product based on that one benefit. (Though you can’t believe the product creator and copywriter “hid” this benefit!)
This happens all the time. The copywriter doesn’t even realize what the biggest benefit is, so the benefit that’s most important to the customers gets hidden away like an ugly baby!
In fact, I just ran into this today on a sales letter.
The biggest headline at the top of the page was this:
“Available for Immediate Download.”
No kidding, that’s where my eyes were drawn to first, because that line was in big, bold print. (Let’s not even discuss the fact that the bolded text doesn’t even tell you WHAT is available for download and who would be interested in ‘em!)
You see, this marketer is selling gardening manuals that used to only be available in print. Now they’re available for download.
But guess what? The fact that they’re available for download is NOT the biggest benefit of these manuals. And that means the line about them being available for download should NOT be the biggest headline on the page, AKA the first thing that draws people’s eyes in.
See, the biggest benefit of these gardening manuals is still all about the problems these manuals solve. The gardener wants to know what these manuals will do for her gardens… and for her.
The fact that she gets an instant solution is a bonus. But since this isn’t a very desperate market (you can’t grow a garden overnight any way), the “instant download” is a nice benefit, but not the biggest benefit.
Make sense?
Ok, so here’s what I suggest…
If you’re about to tweak an existing sales letter, talk to your customers first. Ask them what they liked best about your product. Ask them what they think is the “best thing” or biggest benefit of your product.
You might be surprised to learn that you and your customers have different ideas about your product’s biggest benefits!
Now, this doesn’t mean you should take these reviews as gospel. But certainly you should take them into consideration when crafting your sales letter.
You’re close to your product. You’ve been working on it for weeks or even months. And so when you sit down to write the sales letter, it’s pretty easy to assume that your prospects know what you know about your product.
Guess what? They don’t. And if you keep making this assumption, your prospects are going to get confused… and leave. Without ordering.
Let me give you an example that I see all the time…
Let’s say your product is called the Whiz Bang Traffic Crusher. Over the past few weeks you’ve started abbreviating it to WBTC. In fact, you’ve used that abbreviation so much that “Whiz Bang Traffic Crusher” and “WBTC” are synonymous in your mind.
Now listen…
If you have a fresh prospect hitting your page, he’s never heard of the Whiz Bang Traffic Crusher. And for sure he’s never heard of the WBTC. So if you use this abbreviation without defining it, he’ll have no idea what you’re talking about.
Imagine a headline like this: “Here’s why so many people use the WBTC – and why you should too.”
Your prospect is going to look at that line and think, “what the…?”
For starters, that line gives no clue who this sales page is for. “People” could refer to dog trainer, nudists or those who like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Secondly, the prospect has no idea what “WBTC” stands for. More confusion. More wondering who this sales page is for.
At this point your prospect’s head hurts. He doesn’t want to waste time figuring out what you’re selling and who you’re selling it to. Unless he’s the super-curious type and he has a lot of extra time on his hands, he’s going to hit that back button.
Bottom line…
Remember, your prospects don’t know a thing about your product. So don’t start abbreviating its name… especially before you’ve even introduced the full name of the product!
So you’re starting to get the hang of this copywriting thing, right? And you have all these little bits and pieces you know you need to snap into your letter, such as:
- An attention-getting headline.
- An emotional button-pushing opener.
- Subheadlines sprinkled throughout the copy that snap, crackle and pop.
- Curiosity-arousing benefit statements.
- Proof of those bold claims.
- A strong call to action.
…And all the other ingredients you need to create a sizzling sales letter.
You’re pumped. You can’t wait to crank out this sales letter cause you know it’ll dazzle people. So you open up a new word processing document and…
WAIT! Hang on…
Before you write a single word, there’s one very important thing you need to do – namely, get inside your prospect’s head.
You see, a lot of new copywriters act like zombies when they write sales letters. The copy is… dead. Flat. Lifeless. Limp.
Oh sure, at first glance the sales letter looks dazzling and pretty and bright. And usually that’s because the copywriter has sprinkled in all the words that sound right, like “secrets” and “discover” and “how to.”
Like this…
Announcing the Amazing Whiz-Bang Revolutionary All New Guaranteed-To-Knock-Your-Socks-Off Secret That Shows You How to…
Uff.
That’s a sloppy word salad.
And it’s the mark of an amateur copywriter.
You see, fancy words alone don’t make a good sales letter. Instead, scrap the fancy talk and instead talk to your prospect. Get inside his head. See the world through his eyes. Find out what makes his heart ache, what excites him, and what scares the bediddles out of him.
Now, maybe you’ve heard about “profiling” your target market. That means writing down everything you know about them, from their age to what they ate for breakfast this morning.
Here’s the big problem with profiling…
Most new copywriters just guess.
That’s a big mistake.
You see, you can’t crawl into your prospect’s head by guessing what he’s thinking. And you can’t crawl into your prospects head by creating a profile of what you’d like your perfect prospect to look like.
No, if you want to create a sales letter to resonate with the prospect, then you better make damn sure that you KNOW everything about your prospect. No guessing.
So how do you know for certain?
Easy – you become a part of the target market. You enter your prospect’s world. You wear his clothes, talk his talk and walk his walk. You break into his inner circle.
You see…
The only way to truly understand a person’s emotional hot buttons, hopes, fears and desires is to become the Jane Goodall of marketing…
And That means living among your market for a while to study ‘em up close.
Once you really understand your prospects, THEN you can write your letter. But don’t even think of writing one word before you get to that point. Otherwise, you’re just another amateur creating a sloppy word salad.
Dear Reader,
Here’s a report you’ll enjoy:
http://www.saleslettershark.com/desire.pdf
It’s called “When Did This Become About You? How to Tap Into Your Customer’s Desires for Fun and Big Profits.”
Enjoy.
This week’s critique is for Jared Alberghini’s ANM Footer-Ad script.
Let’s do the headline, because it’s the make or break part of the sales letter…
———-
“Discover the Secret Script That the List Building Experts Don’t Want You to See…”
Build a Bigger Responsive List Much More Quickly.
Boost Your Income.
——-
My B.S. alarm just went off.
And if a prospect had some sense of what the product was before they got to the sales page, their B.S. alarms would be ringing too.
Here’s why…
If this list-building script really is THAT GOOD, then list-building experts would be all over it like ants on a picnic basket. They’d be recommending it up, down and sideways on their blogs and to their lists.
Just think about it – this script has an affiliate program, so who is most likely to recommend it? That’s right, list-building experts. In fact, marketers who are known list-building experts are probably going to be Jared’s very best affiliates.
After all, they’re EXPERTS. And if they didn’t recommend an awesome list-building script to their subscribers, then they’d be seen as being behind the curve on the latest list-building technology and tools. We wouldn’t want that.
Now think about this for a moment…
Joe Blow the List-Building Expert recommends the Footer-Ad script. His visitors crash the gates of Jared’s site and the first thing they see is this headline:
“Discover the Secret Script That the List Building Experts Don’t Want You to See…”
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Bang, bang, bang <== That’s Jared’s credibility being shot down.
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Obviously, the list-building experts DO want their subscribers to see this page. So to say otherwise is just going to set up a big contradiction in the visitor’s mind. A stumbling block. A feeling in the gut that this whole sales letter is bull crap.
And that’s going to sink conversions faster than a lead ball in a swimming pool.
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***
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I suppose a few folks are starting to think, “Hey genius – you got it all wrong.”
Maybe you’re thinking that Jared probably just used the term “experts” to refer to expert list-builders in the prospect’s niche – i.e., competitors. Like dog training list-building experts. Or weight loss list-building experts. Folks like that.
If so, that doesn’t change this critique at all. Because Jared’s intention has no bearing on how people are going to PERCEIVE the headline.
Here’s what we need to remember…
Our headlines need to join the conversation that’s going on in our prospect’s head right at this moment. And whatever experience a prospect has right before he comes to our sales page is going to color how he perceives the copy.
Consider where Jared’s prospect might come from:
- His own list, blog or social network.
- An affiliate’s list, blog or social network.
- A search engine.
- An article in an article directory or on Squidoo.
And so on.
In all cases, the prospect is going to be thinking about list-building tips. As such, a prospect isn’t going to see “list building expert” as the same thing as a “competitor in your niche.” Instead, he’s going to perceive “expert” as someone who sells or otherwise shares list-building advice with others.
And it’s this perception that’s going to set up the big contradiction we talked about above.
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***
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So how can Jared get better results?
If he wants to go with the same type of headline, then he might tell us this is “the list-building script your competitors don’t want you to see!”
(Note: If he does that, he also needs to tie the headline to the copy by letting us know why they wouldn’t want us to see it.)
Alternatively, he could stick with a straight forward benefit-driven headline – one that tells us what the product is (a list-building script) and what benefits users get.
Today’s critique is Dennis G’s Traffic Storm sales page. As usual, I’m not doing an “overall” critique. Instead, we’re just going to focus in on one tiny part. And today’s lesson is this: How to NOT create an instant “disconnect” for your readers.
Here’s the snippet I want you to look at:
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“SEO experts won’t like me saying this one bit, but…
A lot of people, especially those in the SEO industry, make search engine optimization out to be some big mystery. I was fooled by their “aura of expertise” for a while, but I “solved the mystery” myself because I couldn’t afford the services they were trying to sell.
And you know what? Search engine optimization and link popularity really isn’t that difficult! Don’t get me wrong—figuring it out took work, but putting the techniques and strategies to use is simple—once you know what they are.”
—
Click, click, click, click, click – there’s the symphony of mouse clicks as people hit their back button. If it doesn’t happen at this point, it will soon… because the two paragraphs above created a nearly instant disconnect.
Now, we all know what Dennis is trying to do. He’s trying to set his product apart from the SEO experts who sell their services at much higher prices. But he’s not as clear as he can be in this distinction. And that ends up creating a big problem here…
In the first paragraph, he talks about how these SEO experts tried to make SEO a big mystery and how he was fooled by their “aura of expertise.”
Now look at the second paragraph – Dennis positions himself as the expert. As the one with the answers. The one with the secrets.
And if the prospect keeps reading this sales page, they’ll see even more examples of Dennis explaining how his book will eliminate the mystery of SEO.
Let me give you a few quotes from the Traffic Storm sales page:
—
“Understanding the why behind the how erases the mystery of search engine optimization.”
“Get it right and you’ll have an edge over nearly all of your competition.”
“If you’re realistic, you’ll admit you can’t compete effectively against such overwhelming odds . . . unless you have AN EDGE that most of those other site owners don’t have!”
“I reveal my secret strategy for finding out what the search engines are going to be up to in the future.”
—
That’s all fine and dandy… except previously Dennis tried to set himself apart from folks who tried to create “mystery” around SEO in order to charge money for their services. And now Dennis is doing the same thing – he’s creating mystery around SEO in order to sell a product.
Do you think a few prospects will notice this? I do. And I think it will create an instant disconnect.
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You see, you can’t “train” or convince your prospects to dislike something… and then try to spoon feed them the exact same thing later and hope they’ll like it.
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So what can Dennis do to fix this problem? If he’s going to create an “us versus them” split, he needs to make the distinction more clear. He needs to clearly separate himself from the “thems,” or risk losing prospects when they realize he’s a “them.”
In this case, it might be easier to just cut out the part about how those who provide SEO services try to make SEO “mysterious.”
Instead, Dennis can just tell prospects why they don’t need to hire someone to do the SEO for them. He can tell prospects that it’s cheaper if they do it themselves. And he can tell them that it’s not hard, so they WILL get results.
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***
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Now having said that, here’s another question…
Who ARE the prospects for this product?
You see, right now the Traffic Storm sales letter has a heavy slant towards those who might be considering hiring someone to do their SEO. Not only does Dennis mention SEO services in the paragraph I quoted at the top of this critique, he also compares the price of his product (currently $147) to the cost of hiring someone to do the work for you.
That might work if Dennis is indeed targeting people who want to learn how to do it themselves rather than hire an expert. For example, maybe a “mom and pop” offline business owner wants to learn a little SEO. Or maybe someone owns an online dog clothing store… and he’s trying to get higher rankings.
But if that’s the case, then the sales letter doesn’t really fit those folks.
You see, the sales letter look like it’s targeted at people who already know a bit about online marketing. That’s because the sales letter talks about things like “keyword research” and “off page optimization.”
Trust me, if you throw those words in front of someone who doesn’t know a thing about SEO, he’s going to just look at you and say “huh? what? huh?” So a sales letter like this might be a touch over his head.
So who WOULD understand this sales letter, easily?
Someone who:
- Is an Internet marketer.
- Studies and regularly applies what they learn about online marketing.
- Has studied enough have an understanding of terms like “link popularity” and “social bookmarking.”
Who is this person? This person is a do-it-yourselfer. This person writes their own copy, does their own SEO, creates their own PPC campaigns, etc. This person has an idea of how to do this stuff — which is why they understand terms like “link popularity — but he or she wants to know MORE.
Now let’s connect the dots so you can see where I’m heading with this…
Because of the “jargon” on the page, currently the sales page only makes sense to do-it-yourselfers who have an overall understanding of online marketing and, specifically, SEO. It only “speaks” to those folks.
However, the sales page is also written to appeal to those who don’t know a damn thing about SEO – they think it’s a mystery – which is why they’d rather hire someone to do it for them.
Whoops. Those are two different groups.
It’s kind of like trying to write a sales page for a political book so that the page appeals to both Republicans and Democrats. It’s doable but difficult.
Instead, it’s MUCH easier to choose one target market, learn everything you can about the prospects… and then (re)write your letter with one perfect prospect in mind.
OK?
Thanks to David E. for letting me critique his “Octoblog” WSO (Warrior Special Offer) sales letter. As usual, I’m going to critique just a small snippet for this post (maybe I’ll do more another day). But for starters, let’s look at part of a sub-headline…
“With this method, you will deliver a never-ending, massive swarm of FREE, highly-targeted traffic to your website…”
Hit the back button, boys – this sounds like too much work!
I know, I know… nothing comes easy. But you know what? Your prospects are looking for that easy button. They wanted their problems gone yesterday. And they don’t want to drop the Cheetos or the remote in order to get their problems fixed.
That doesn’t mean you should lie and say it’s easy if it takes a lot of work. Not at all. But a careful use of word choice can make a huge difference in the prospect’s perception — and in your conversion rates.
Here are the three main problem words with this headline: “You will deliver.”
You see, that’s the part that sounds like work. The prospect doesn’t want to be the one delivering the benefit. That sounds like a big pain in the ass! And bam, the prospect is suddenly not all that keen on buying your product.
Instead, the prospect wants to GET the benefit… quickly and easily!
So let’s tighten that headline. Let’s take out “you will deliver” and change it to “you’ll get.” Now here’s where we’re at:
“With this method, you’ll get a never-ending, massive swarm of FREE, highly-targeted traffic to your website…”
Ahhh, much better. Subtle but very effective.
That just tickled the prospect’s easy button. And that puts you one step closer to the prospect hitting your “buy” button.
***
OK Sharksters — your turn. Tighten up the rest of the subheadline…
You’ve seen it – the typical “dear friend” openers at the top of many a sales letter. And maybe you’re thinking, I don’t even know you! I’m for sure not your friend!
That’s not a bad knee-jerk reaction. And I bet a lot of other prospects cringe just slightly when they see the “dear friend” salutation.
So let’s drop that tired practice (unless it’s absolutely necessary).
Instead, use your salutation to further grab your prospect’s attention and qualify him. You want him to read the opener and say, “Hey! He’s talking about me!”
For example:
Dear Football Fan
Better than “dear friend.” But we can do better.
Let’s further qualify the reader by narrowing in our niche. Let’s suppose we’re selling to people who love NFL football. Then we might say:
Dear NFL Football Fan
And if we’re selling something to just one team, like the Vikings, then of course we could narrow it further by saying:
Dear Vikings Football Fan
Are we done?
Not quite. Just one more thing. Namely, let’s now build rapport with our reader. Let’s tell the reader, “I’m just like you!”
You’ll do this rapport-building all through your letter. But it starts right here in your salutation greeting by adding one small word: “fellow.” Like this:
Dear Fellow Vikings Football Fan
Now that’s about 100 times better than the ghastly “dear friend.”
This one is an anonymous critique, so I’m not revealing any identifiable details. Let me just say it’s for an AdSense product.
Here is the list of bulleted benefit statements:
—————-
What’s inside
* Killer Keyword-domain selection strategy for Adsense for Domain
* Autopilot Income 24/7
* Expose your parked domains to public outside Google’s radar.
* 30-day full money back guarantee!
—————-
Sharksters, can you guess the problem?
That’s right, these bullets are basically features rather than benefits. Plus, they don’t have that whiz-bang “oooh ahhh” factor. The prospect isn’t going to be tripping all over himself to take out his credit card.
Now, I haven’t seen the product so I don’t know the actual benefits associated with these particular bullet points. But let’s rip apart the first bullet any way…
“Killer Keyword-domain selection strategy for Adsense for Domain”
The prospect who’s looking at this bullet is going to say, “huh? What does this mean?”
Remember, not all your prospects are going to read every word of your sales letter. There are lots of skimmers. So your prospects need to understand what a bullet point means without having to go back and read the rest of the letter.
Now let’s suppose you’ve been a bit clearer about what this bulleted statement means. The next thing the prospect will ask is this: “but what’s in it for me?”
You see, simply putting the word “killer” (or any other “trigger” word) into a bullet point doesn’t make it compelling. You need to tell your prospects what the feature will do for them.
So, what does this feature do? Does it help the prospect:
- Make more money?
- Get a top position in Google?
- Choose a domain name that ranks well in the search engines?
- Find a little-known but profitable niche?
- Relieve his seasonal allergy symptoms?
Point is, the bullet needs to focus on the main benefit. For example: “You’ll discover a little-known domain name trick that shoots you to the top of Google and brings you massive traffic!”
That bullet needs a lot of polishing and tightening – but you see where I’m heading with it.
***
Likewise, the next two bullet points have similar problems:
* Autopilot Income 24/7 – this one also includes a catch phrase, but catch phrases alone don’t sell products. You need to offer more specific benefits. You need to tap into emotional triggers.
* Expose your parked domains to public outside Google’s radar – just as with the first bullet, I’m not even sure what this one means (much less what the benefit is).
And finally, the last bullet:
* 30-day full money back guarantee!
Instead of hiding the guarantee in the bulleted list, put it in a Johnson box or otherwise highlight it on its own. Then rewrite it to make it stronger. For example, “Your satisfaction is guaranteed! Use [name of product] for 30 full days to [insert one to three major benefits]. If you’re unsatisfied for ANY reason, simply email me and I’ll promptly refund your money. No quibbles, no questions asked!”
Again, that guarantee could use polishing, but it’s better than just slipping one line into the copy.
***
OK Sharksters, your turn to comment. Give this marketer a helping hand with his bullet points and/or guarantee…
Thanks to Kim Standerline for being the first brave soul to volunteer to jump into the Shark Tank. Just for that, I’m not going to be too mean or snarky. 
Now, I love Kim to bits. Her newsletters are great (you can sign up for her newest one here). But the problem is, her landing page is a shy wallflower that doesn’t blow Kim’s magnificent horn at all. And so she’s gonna lose a lot of subscribers because they can’t see her genius.
So let’s fix that, starting with a headline critique…
SIDE NOTE: Kim does have a header graphic that refers to Internet marketing advice, tips and strategies. For this critique, however, I’m ignoring the header and focusing solely on the landing page headline…
Here’s the current headline:
“Kimspirations Internet Marketing Newsletter…”
This headline has no bite. No enticing bits for the reader. No delicious benefits. And no answer to the question, “What’s in it for me?”
Here’s why that’s a problem…
Just imagine walking down main street in your town. A guy walks up to you and says “applesauce!”
That’s it. No further explanation like “You have applesauce on your chin” or “Get a free sample of applesauce” or even, “Have you seen my lost dog? Her name is Applesauce.”
Nope, nothing like that — just “applesauce.” Period.
You’re going to think this guy is a total loon, right? Are you going to stick around and find out what’s the deal with him and applesauce?
Nah, probably not. And if you do, you’ll probably look at this weird dude and say, “so what?”
Likewise, Kim’s headline is an “applesauce” headline. Some of her visitors are saying “so what?”
And they’re hitting that back button faster than a cat jumping out of a mud puddle.
So what Kim needs to do is tell her prospective subscribers what they’ll get when they join her newsletter. What are the benefits? Why should they join this newsletter?
Now, Kim needs a benefit-oriented headline. But that doesn’t mean she wants a hyped-filled 200-word headline. She’s a low key person. Her newsletter is low key. (My god, she’s British fercryingoutloud – need I say more?) And so we need to give her a headline that shares the main benefits of her newsletter without hitting people over the heads with a frying pan.
Let’s look at some of the features and benefits of this newsletter…
- The newsletter is free.
- Kim shares her eight years of IM experience to help others make money online.
- She’s taking a lighthearted approach.
- She’s saving people time and money as well as keeping them “in the loop” by sharing industry news.
- She’s helping people navigate the confusing mess of products and business models.
- Readers won’t get a pitchfest. This is a friend guiding them to success.
- Readers will get inspiration and gain confidence to move forward with their own plans and ideas.
NOTE: This is what I pulled out based on the rest of Kim’s landing page. However, I’d urge her to look at her own newsletter, write down the benefits, figure out the MAIN benefit – and use THAT to create her headline.
OK, so based on those features and benefits, let’s see if we can come up with a better headline. Here are few alternate headlines for Kim to consider:
“What Can You Learn About Making Money Online from a British Nurse? As It Turns Out, Plenty – and For Free, Too.”
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“What Happens When an Internet Marketer With 8 Years of Experience Gets Bored With Retirement? She Starts Sharing Her Juiciest Money-Making Secrets With You – For Free.”
–
“Put Away Your Cynicism. Toss Out Those Get Rich Scams. And Put Your Credit Card Back in Your Wallet… Because You’re Finally Going to Discover the TRUTH About Making Money Online — for Free.”
(Note: instead of the phrase “making money online,” you can substitute with something like “starting, growing and running your own profitable online business.”)
–
“If You Expect to Make a Million Bucks Online Tonight and Eat Cavier for Breakfast Tomorrow Morning, You’re on the Wrong Website. Maybe Even the Wrong Planet.
But If You’re Looking for Internet Marketing Tips, Advice and Secrets for Starting, Growing and Cashing In With Your Own Online Business, Then You’ll be Glad You Joined This Free Newsletter…”
—
Sharksters, now it’s your turn. Post your headline suggestions in the comments suggestion below. I bet you can come up with something even better…
