Sales Letter Shark

Shark Tank: Kimspirations Headline Critique

Thanks to Kim Standerline  for being the first brave soul to volunteer to jump into the Shark Tank.  Just for that, I’m not going to be too mean or snarky.

Now, I love Kim to bits.  Her newsletters are great (you can sign up for her newest one here).  But the problem is, her landing page is a shy wallflower that doesn’t blow Kim’s magnificent horn at all.  And so she’s gonna lose a lot of subscribers because they can’t see her genius.

So let’s fix that, starting with a headline critique…

SIDE NOTE: Kim does have a header graphic that refers to Internet marketing advice, tips and strategies. For this critique, however, I’m ignoring the header and focusing solely on the landing page headline…
Here’s the current headline:

“Kimspirations Internet Marketing Newsletter…”

This headline has no bite.  No enticing bits for the reader.  No delicious benefits. And no answer to the question, “What’s in it for me?”

Here’s why that’s a problem…

Just imagine walking down main street in your town. A guy walks up to you and says “applesauce!”

That’s it. No further explanation like “You have applesauce on your chin” or “Get a free sample of applesauce” or even, “Have you seen my lost dog? Her name is Applesauce.”

Nope, nothing like that — just “applesauce.”  Period.

You’re going to think this guy is a total loon, right?  Are you going to stick around and find out what’s the deal with him and applesauce?

Nah, probably not.  And if you do, you’ll probably look at this weird dude and say, “so what?”

Likewise, Kim’s headline is an “applesauce” headline.  Some of her visitors are saying “so what?”

And they’re hitting that back button faster than a cat jumping out of a mud puddle.

So what Kim needs to do is tell her prospective subscribers what they’ll get when they join her newsletter.  What are the benefits?  Why should they join this newsletter?

Now, Kim needs a benefit-oriented headline. But that doesn’t mean she wants a hyped-filled 200-word headline.  She’s a low key person. Her newsletter is low key.  (My god, she’s British fercryingoutloud – need I say more?) And so we need to give her a headline that shares the main benefits of her newsletter without hitting people over the heads with a frying pan.

Let’s look at some of the features and benefits of this newsletter…

• The newsletter is free.
• Kim shares her eight years of IM experience to help others make money online.
• She’s taking a lighthearted approach.
• She’s saving people time and money as well as keeping them “in the loop” by sharing industry news.
• She’s helping people navigate the confusing mess of products and business models.
• Readers won’t get a pitchfest. This is a friend guiding them to success.
• Readers will get inspiration and gain confidence to move forward with their own plans and ideas.

NOTE: This is what I pulled out based on the rest of Kim’s landing page.  However, I’d urge her to look at her own newsletter, write down the benefits, figure out the MAIN benefit – and use THAT to create her headline.

OK, so based on those features and benefits, let’s see if we can come up with a better headline.  Here are few alternate headlines for Kim to consider:

“What Can You Learn About Making Money Online from a British Nurse?  As It Turns Out, Plenty – and For Free, Too.”

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“What Happens When an Internet Marketer With 8 Years of Experience Gets Bored With Retirement?  She Starts Sharing Her Juiciest Money-Making Secrets With You – For Free.”

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“Put Away Your Cynicism. Toss Out Those Get Rich Scams. And Put Your Credit Card Back in Your Wallet… Because You’re Finally Going to Discover the TRUTH About Making Money Online — for Free.”

(Note: instead of the phrase “making money online,” you can substitute with something like “starting, growing and running your own profitable online business.”)

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“If You Expect to Make a Million Bucks Online Tonight and Eat Cavier for Breakfast Tomorrow Morning, You’re on the Wrong Website.  Maybe Even the Wrong Planet.

But If You’re Looking for Internet Marketing Tips, Advice and Secrets for Starting, Growing and Cashing In With Your Own Online Business, Then You’ll be Glad You Joined This Free Newsletter…”

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Sharksters, now it’s your turn.  Post your headline suggestions in the comments suggestion below.  I bet you can come up with something even better…