Let’s do the headline, because it’s the make or break part of the sales letter…

———-

“Discover the Secret Script That the List Building Experts Don’t Want You to See…”

Build a Bigger Responsive List Much More Quickly.

Boost Your Income.

——-

My B.S. alarm just went off.

And if a prospect had some sense of what the product was before they got to the sales page, their B.S. alarms would be ringing too.

Here’s why…

If this list-building script really is THAT GOOD, then list-building experts would be all over it like ants on a picnic basket.  They’d be recommending it up, down and sideways on their blogs and to their lists.

Just think about it – this script has an affiliate program, so who is most likely to recommend it?  That’s right, list-building experts.  In fact, marketers who are known list-building experts are probably going to be Jared’s very best affiliates.

After all, they’re EXPERTS.  And if they didn’t recommend an awesome list-building script to their subscribers, then they’d be seen as being behind the curve on the latest list-building technology and tools.  We wouldn’t want that.

Now think about this for a moment…

Joe Blow the List-Building Expert recommends the Footer-Ad script.  His visitors crash the gates of Jared’s site and the first thing they see is this headline:

“Discover the Secret Script That the List Building Experts Don’t Want You to See…”

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Bang, bang, bang <== That’s Jared’s credibility being shot down.

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Obviously, the list-building experts DO want their subscribers to see this page.  So to say otherwise is just going to set up a big contradiction in the visitor’s mind.  A stumbling block.  A feeling in the gut that this whole sales letter is bull crap.

And that’s going to sink conversions faster than a lead ball in a swimming pool.

.

***

.

I suppose a few folks are starting to think, “Hey genius – you got it all wrong.”

Maybe you’re thinking that Jared probably just used the term “experts” to refer to expert list-builders in the prospect’s niche – i.e., competitors.  Like dog training list-building experts.  Or weight loss list-building experts.  Folks like that.

If so, that doesn’t change this critique at all.  Because Jared’s intention has no bearing on how people are going to PERCEIVE the headline.

Here’s what we need to remember…

Our headlines need to join the conversation that’s going on in our prospect’s head right at this moment. And whatever experience a prospect has right before he comes to our sales page is going to color how he perceives the copy.

Consider where Jared’s prospect might come from:

• His own list, blog or social network.
• An affiliate’s list, blog or social network.
• A search engine.
• An article in an article directory or on Squidoo.

And so on.

In all cases, the prospect is going to be thinking about list-building tips.  As such, a prospect isn’t going to see “list building expert” as the same thing as a “competitor in your niche.”  Instead, he’s going to perceive “expert” as someone who sells or otherwise shares list-building advice with others.

And it’s this perception that’s going to set up the big contradiction we talked about above.

.

***

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So how can Jared get better results?

If he wants to go with the same type of headline, then he might tell us this is “the list-building script your competitors don’t want you to see!”

(Note: If he does that, he also needs to tie the headline to the copy by letting us know why they wouldn’t want us to see it.)

Alternatively, he could stick with a straight forward benefit-driven headline – one that tells us what the product is (a list-building script) and what benefits users get.

Today’s critique is Dennis G’s Traffic Storm sales page.  As usual, I’m not doing an “overall” critique.  Instead, we’re just going to focus in on one tiny part.  And today’s lesson is this: How to NOT create an instant “disconnect” for your readers.

Here’s the snippet I want you to look at:

—

“SEO experts won’t like me saying this one bit, but…

A lot of people, especially those in the SEO industry, make search engine optimization out to be some big mystery. I was fooled by their “aura of expertise” for a while, but I “solved the mystery” myself because I couldn’t afford the services they were trying to sell.

And you know what? Search engine optimization and link popularity really isn’t that difficult! Don’t get me wrong—figuring it out took work, but putting the techniques and strategies to use is simple—once you know what they are.”

—

Click, click, click, click, click – there’s the symphony of mouse clicks as people hit their back button.  If it doesn’t happen at this point, it will soon… because the two paragraphs above created a nearly instant disconnect.

Now, we all know what Dennis is trying to do. He’s trying to set his product apart from the SEO experts who sell their services at much higher prices.  But he’s not as clear as he can be in this distinction.  And that ends up creating a big problem here…

In the first paragraph, he talks about how these SEO experts tried to make SEO a big mystery and how he was fooled by their “aura of expertise.”

Now look at the second paragraph – Dennis positions himself as the expert. As the one with the answers. The one with the secrets.

And if the prospect keeps reading this sales page, they’ll see even more examples of Dennis explaining how his book will eliminate the mystery of SEO.

Let me give you a few quotes from the Traffic Storm sales page:

—

“Understanding the why behind the how erases the mystery of search engine optimization.”

“Get it right and you’ll have an edge over nearly all of your competition.”

“If you’re realistic, you’ll admit you can’t compete effectively against such overwhelming odds . . . unless you have AN EDGE that most of those other site owners don’t have!”

“I reveal my secret strategy for finding out what the search engines are going to be up to in the future.”

—

That’s all fine and dandy… except previously Dennis tried to set himself apart from folks who tried to create “mystery” around SEO in order to charge money for their services. And now Dennis is doing the same thing – he’s creating mystery around SEO in order to sell a product.

Do you think a few prospects will notice this?  I do.  And I think it will create an instant disconnect.

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You see, you can’t “train” or convince your prospects to dislike something… and then try to spoon feed them the exact same thing later and hope they’ll like it.

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So what can Dennis do to fix this problem?  If he’s going to create an “us versus them” split, he needs to make the distinction more clear.  He needs to clearly separate himself from the “thems,” or risk losing prospects when they realize he’s a “them.”

In this case, it might be easier to just cut out the part about how those who provide SEO services try to make SEO “mysterious.”

Instead, Dennis can just tell prospects why they don’t need to hire someone to do the SEO for them.  He can tell prospects that it’s cheaper if they do it themselves. And he can tell them that it’s not hard, so they WILL get results.

.

***
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Now having said that, here’s another question…

Who ARE the prospects for this product?

You see, right now the Traffic Storm sales letter has a heavy slant towards those who might be considering hiring someone to do their SEO.  Not only does Dennis mention SEO services in the paragraph I quoted at the top of this critique, he also compares the price of his product (currently $147) to the cost of hiring someone to do the work for you.

That might work if Dennis is indeed targeting people who want to learn how to do it themselves rather than hire an expert.  For example, maybe a “mom and pop” offline business owner wants to learn a little SEO.  Or maybe someone  owns an online dog clothing store… and he’s trying to get higher rankings.

But if that’s the case, then the sales letter doesn’t really fit those folks.

You see, the sales letter look like it’s targeted at people who already know a bit about online marketing.  That’s because the sales letter talks about things like “keyword research” and “off page optimization.”

Trust me, if you throw those words in front of someone who doesn’t know a thing about SEO, he’s going to just look at you and say “huh? what? huh?”  So a sales letter like this might be a touch over his head.

So who WOULD understand this sales letter, easily?

Someone who:

• Is an Internet marketer.
• Studies and regularly applies what they learn about online marketing.
• Has studied enough have an understanding of terms like “link popularity” and “social bookmarking.”

Who is this person? This person is a do-it-yourselfer. This person writes their own copy, does their own SEO, creates their own PPC campaigns, etc. This person has an idea of how to do this stuff — which is why they understand terms like “link popularity — but he or she wants to know MORE.

Now let’s connect the dots so you can see where I’m heading with this…

Because of the “jargon” on the page, currently the sales page only makes sense to do-it-yourselfers who have an overall understanding of online marketing and, specifically, SEO.  It only “speaks” to those folks.

However, the sales page is also written to appeal to those who don’t know a damn thing about SEO – they think it’s a mystery – which is why they’d rather hire someone to do it for them.

Whoops. Those are two different groups.

It’s kind of like trying to write a sales page for a political book so that the page appeals to both Republicans and Democrats. It’s doable but difficult.

Instead, it’s MUCH easier to choose one target market, learn everything you can about the prospects… and then (re)write your letter with one perfect prospect in mind.

OK?

]]> http://saleslettershark.com/2010/02/shark-tank-critique-traffic-storm/feed/ 0 http://saleslettershark.com/2010/02/sub-headline-critique-for-a-wso-product/ http://saleslettershark.com/2010/02/sub-headline-critique-for-a-wso-product/#comments Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:37:38 +0000 The Shark http://saleslettershark.com/?p=38 Thanks to David E. for letting me critique his “Octoblog” WSO (Warrior Special Offer) sales letter.  As usual, I’m going to critique just a small snippet for this post (maybe I’ll do more another day).  But for starters, let’s look at part of a sub-headline…

“With this method, you will deliver a never-ending, massive swarm of FREE, highly-targeted traffic to your website…”

Hit the back button, boys – this sounds like too much work!

I know, I know… nothing comes easy. But you know what?  Your prospects are looking for that easy button.  They wanted their problems gone yesterday.  And they don’t want to drop the Cheetos or the remote in order to get their problems fixed.

That doesn’t mean you should lie and say it’s easy if it takes a lot of work.  Not at all. But a careful use of word choice can make a huge difference in the prospect’s perception — and in your conversion rates.

Here are the three main problem words with this headline: “You will deliver.”

You see, that’s the part that sounds like work.  The prospect doesn’t want to be the one delivering the benefit.  That sounds like a big pain in the ass! And bam, the prospect is suddenly not all that keen on buying your product.

Instead, the prospect wants to GET the benefit… quickly and easily!

So let’s tighten that headline.  Let’s take out “you will deliver” and change it to “you’ll get.”  Now here’s where we’re at:

“With this method, you’ll get a never-ending, massive swarm of FREE, highly-targeted traffic to your website…”

Ahhh, much better. Subtle but very effective.

That just tickled the prospect’s easy button.  And that puts you one step closer to the prospect hitting your “buy” button.

***

OK Sharksters — your turn.  Tighten  up the rest of the subheadline…

Here is the list of bulleted benefit statements:

—————-

What’s inside

* Killer Keyword-domain selection strategy for Adsense for Domain
* Autopilot Income 24/7
* Expose your parked domains to public outside Google’s radar.
* 30-day full money back guarantee!

—————-

Sharksters, can you guess the problem?

That’s right, these bullets are basically features rather than benefits.  Plus, they don’t have that whiz-bang “oooh ahhh” factor.  The prospect isn’t going to be tripping all over himself to take out his credit card.

Now, I haven’t seen the product so I don’t know the actual benefits associated with these particular bullet points. But let’s rip apart the first bullet any way…

“Killer Keyword-domain selection strategy for Adsense for Domain”

The prospect who’s looking at this bullet is going to say, “huh? What does this mean?”

Remember, not all your prospects are going to read every word of your sales letter. There are lots of skimmers.  So your prospects need to understand what a bullet point means without having to go back and read the rest of the letter.

Now let’s suppose you’ve been a bit clearer about what this bulleted statement means.  The next thing the prospect will ask is this: “but what’s in it for me?”

You see, simply putting the word “killer” (or any other “trigger” word) into a bullet point doesn’t make it compelling.  You need to tell your prospects what the feature will do for them.

So, what does this feature do?  Does it help the prospect:

• Make more money?
• Get a top position in Google?
• Choose a domain name that ranks well in the search engines?
• Find a little-known but profitable niche?
• Relieve his seasonal allergy symptoms?

Point is, the bullet needs to focus on the main benefit.  For example: “You’ll discover a little-known domain name trick that shoots you to the top of Google and brings you massive traffic!”

That bullet needs a lot of polishing and tightening – but you see where I’m heading with it.

***

Likewise, the next two bullet points have similar problems:

* Autopilot Income 24/7 – this one also includes a catch phrase, but catch phrases alone don’t sell products.  You need to offer more specific benefits.  You need to tap into emotional triggers.

* Expose your parked domains to public outside Google’s radar – just as with the first bullet, I’m not even sure what this one means (much less what the benefit is).

And finally, the last bullet:

* 30-day full money back guarantee!

Instead of hiding the guarantee in the bulleted list, put it in a Johnson box or otherwise highlight it on its own. Then rewrite it to make it stronger.  For example, “Your satisfaction is guaranteed!  Use [name of product] for 30 full days to [insert one to three major benefits].  If you’re unsatisfied for ANY reason, simply email me and I’ll promptly refund your money.  No quibbles, no questions asked!”

Again, that guarantee could use polishing, but it’s better than just slipping one line into the copy.

***

OK Sharksters, your turn to comment.  Give this marketer a helping hand with his bullet points and/or guarantee…

Now, I love Kim to bits.  Her newsletters are great (you can sign up for her newest one here).  But the problem is, her landing page is a shy wallflower that doesn’t blow Kim’s magnificent horn at all.  And so she’s gonna lose a lot of subscribers because they can’t see her genius.

So let’s fix that, starting with a headline critique…

SIDE NOTE: Kim does have a header graphic that refers to Internet marketing advice, tips and strategies. For this critique, however, I’m ignoring the header and focusing solely on the landing page headline…
Here’s the current headline:

“Kimspirations Internet Marketing Newsletter…”

This headline has no bite.  No enticing bits for the reader.  No delicious benefits. And no answer to the question, “What’s in it for me?”

Here’s why that’s a problem…

Just imagine walking down main street in your town. A guy walks up to you and says “applesauce!”

That’s it. No further explanation like “You have applesauce on your chin” or “Get a free sample of applesauce” or even, “Have you seen my lost dog? Her name is Applesauce.”

Nope, nothing like that — just “applesauce.”  Period.

You’re going to think this guy is a total loon, right?  Are you going to stick around and find out what’s the deal with him and applesauce?

Nah, probably not.  And if you do, you’ll probably look at this weird dude and say, “so what?”

Likewise, Kim’s headline is an “applesauce” headline.  Some of her visitors are saying “so what?”

And they’re hitting that back button faster than a cat jumping out of a mud puddle.

So what Kim needs to do is tell her prospective subscribers what they’ll get when they join her newsletter.  What are the benefits?  Why should they join this newsletter?

Now, Kim needs a benefit-oriented headline. But that doesn’t mean she wants a hyped-filled 200-word headline.  She’s a low key person. Her newsletter is low key.  (My god, she’s British fercryingoutloud – need I say more?) And so we need to give her a headline that shares the main benefits of her newsletter without hitting people over the heads with a frying pan.

Let’s look at some of the features and benefits of this newsletter…

• The newsletter is free.
• Kim shares her eight years of IM experience to help others make money online.
• She’s taking a lighthearted approach.
• She’s saving people time and money as well as keeping them “in the loop” by sharing industry news.
• She’s helping people navigate the confusing mess of products and business models.
• Readers won’t get a pitchfest. This is a friend guiding them to success.
• Readers will get inspiration and gain confidence to move forward with their own plans and ideas.

NOTE: This is what I pulled out based on the rest of Kim’s landing page.  However, I’d urge her to look at her own newsletter, write down the benefits, figure out the MAIN benefit – and use THAT to create her headline.

OK, so based on those features and benefits, let’s see if we can come up with a better headline.  Here are few alternate headlines for Kim to consider:

“What Can You Learn About Making Money Online from a British Nurse?  As It Turns Out, Plenty – and For Free, Too.”

—

“What Happens When an Internet Marketer With 8 Years of Experience Gets Bored With Retirement?  She Starts Sharing Her Juiciest Money-Making Secrets With You – For Free.”

–

“Put Away Your Cynicism. Toss Out Those Get Rich Scams. And Put Your Credit Card Back in Your Wallet… Because You’re Finally Going to Discover the TRUTH About Making Money Online — for Free.”

(Note: instead of the phrase “making money online,” you can substitute with something like “starting, growing and running your own profitable online business.”)

–

“If You Expect to Make a Million Bucks Online Tonight and Eat Cavier for Breakfast Tomorrow Morning, You’re on the Wrong Website.  Maybe Even the Wrong Planet.

But If You’re Looking for Internet Marketing Tips, Advice and Secrets for Starting, Growing and Cashing In With Your Own Online Business, Then You’ll be Glad You Joined This Free Newsletter…”

—

Sharksters, now it’s your turn.  Post your headline suggestions in the comments suggestion below.  I bet you can come up with something even better…